Author: jambo

“PAPA … MAMA … They Are Playing Your Song”

The New Radio play

By Romela Boge

 SCENE ONE
Sound: Car doors closing. Car starting up
PAPA: Home sweet home, here we go.
MAMA: How could you?
PAPA: How could I? How could I what Mama JJ?
MA: How could you do that!
PA: Do what?
MA: Do what? Baba JJ you know what I am talking about!
PA: No I don’t.
MA: Stop playing dump with me when you understand!
PA: Understand what?
MA: You know what I am talking about!
PA: No, I don’t!
MA: YOU KNOW!
PA: I say ‘I … D-O-N-T K-N-OW!’
JJ Snigger
Mami, Papa says he does not know…
MA: Shut up You JJ! Don’t act stupid like your father!
PA: Stop that! I am not stupid!
MA: If it is not stupidity of the highest level, then how did you agree to that?
PA: Hey, don’t blame me. Blame your father!
MA: This has nothing to do with my father!
PA: Oh, it has! Your father and all your relatives!
MA: You didn’t have to agree with everything they wanted!
PA: I didn’t. I have just explained to you, we n-e-g-o-t-i-a-t-e-d!
MA: Negotiated? Ha, Them or You?
PA: I struck a hard bargain with them over everything, every issue, every small
thing you see on that document you are holding
MA: From what I see, you finally agreed on everything they must have asked
for.
PA: I …. I ….
JJ Mama, you people are boring… I want to listen to the radio.
MA: Shut up! … Don’t talk stupidly like ….
PA: ….Like your father?
MA: That is not funny.
PA: Who is being funny now?
MA: Don’t make fun out this issue Baba JJ!
PA: I am not
MA: You are!
PA: It is you who is making fun instead of congratulating me for a mission well
completed
MA: Congratulate you! Is that supposed to be some kind of internet joke?
JJ: Papa, can you put on the radio for me? Please!
PA: Ok, ok Joe-Junior, here we go!

———————-PAUSE ————————
Sound: Tinkering with the radio. The radio begins hissing, no station connected
JJ: Look Mami, Papa is driving off the road, he, he, hee…
MA: As usual.
PA: Oops! Sorry! …. Mama JJ what do you mean ‘as usual?
MA: With everything you do for this family
PA: That is heavy. What do I do with everything I do for our family?
MA: Drive it off the road.
PA: I drive it off the road … e-v-e-r-y thing I do? You can’t be serious!
MA: Would you understand what seriousness means?
PA: Aaaii, seven years of marriage and you can’t say that!
MA: Say what?
PA: That … that … I am driving our life off the road
MA: You are the one saying that
JJ: I want to listen to the radio! Pleeeeaaase!
MA: Switch on the radio for him
PA: Who, me? No you do it I am driving
MA: Off the road … again
PA: O-N- the -road.
JJ: Hisses like the radio then speaks in Sing-song. I-W-A-N-T T-O L-I-S-T-E-N T-O TH-
E R-A-D-I-O
PA: Mama JJ tune-on that radio for toto
MA: You are the one who is driving, do it
PA: I say: do it!
MA: You do it!
PA: Do it!
JJ bursts into sobs. Mama uses words of comfort as she speaks
MA: Now you see? You have made my good small toto to cry
PA: Hey, it wasn’t me. It is you!
MA: You did. You were shouting at him
PA: It is you who is shouting

SCENE TWO
Noise from roadside hawkers who try to sell their ware at traffic jams
JJ: Papa, buy me a watch. I want a watch.
HAWKERS 1,2,3 &4:
: Check this one.
: No you check this one, it is better.
: This is best; hear it has musical alarm.
: Haa leave that it is expensive, this one is cheaper and it has date
and day.
: Check this Madam, buy this hairclip, the latest fashion, very smart.
: Shaving machine, two for the price of one, very smooth shaving
Pa: Mama JJ, roll-up that window. Hey out! You and You… OUT!
JJ: Papa you have not bought me a watch
Ma: Which one do you like?
JJ: The one that was singing like a hen
Ma: Hey young man! Come this way. Bring that watch and test it.
How much is this?
Hawker: 1,000 shillings
Ma: What? Take it back!
Hawker: How much do you have?
Pa: JJ is your window closed?
JJ: Yes Papa.
Pa: Don’t open it again.
Ma: Young man, I can buy this thing for twenty shillings at the bus station.
Hawker: This is not the same model.
Ma: Not the same huh? Then this is not what I wanted. I will go to the bus
station to buy the type I saw there
Hawker: Actually madam, this is the same model, I swear. Just give me two
hundred shillings for it.
Ma: Twenty or you take back your watch
Hawker: Make it one hundred and twenty madam. Twenty is my small profit
SOUND: Several cars hooting
Pa: Hurry up you two. The traffic jam is moving again.
Hawker: (breathing hard as he runs beside the moving car) what is your last
price madam?
Ma: Twenty
Hawker: Add something to that. Please mama.
Pa: Hey Mama JJ, finish with him. I don’t want this fellow to get hurt running
beside the moving car like this
Ma: Forty shillings. Take it or leave it.
Hawker: Fifty
Ma: Fifty. Baba Junior, I have forty shillings here. Do you have a ten I add up
to pay for this watch?
Pa: Oh God, And me right in the middle of the road!
JJ: Here, I have ten shillings Mama.
Ma: Thank you Junior.
Hawker: Asante mama. Have a good safari.
JJ: Papa, you are passing the petrol station!
SOUND: Squeaking of tyres and much hooting
Pa: Shut up you hippos!
Ma: There you go again. You are the one on the wrong U-turning up like
that on the highway.
PAUSE
Pa: Hello, jambo! Here is the key. Fill her up with 1,000 shillings. Check her oil
and water.
Ma: Say: Fill HIM up. It is you who is driving, not me!
Pa: You and your affirmative actions.
Ma: Good to always remember that. If man is superior, the woman is super
superior.
Pa Personally I have nothing against that. Just ask the rest of mankind.
Ma: You keep forgetting that it is you and the likes of my father that make
up that mankind
JJ: Papa! Look! Look!

SCENE THREE

Papa JJ whistling, Sound of car door opening, closing
Pa: Do you know what Baba-Rosa thinks?
Ma: Do you want me to know?
Pa: Well, he ….
Ma: Drink-drink-drink
Pa: A-l-l-l-l-right! Now do you want to hear his thoughts?
Ma: Drink-drink-drink. Does he also have time to think?
Pa: Cut-it-out! You and your silly notion that whenever the boys are out there, it is
just drink-drink-drink. We do serious thinking as well
Ma: You mean serious gossiping
Pa: Correction, men don’t gossip, women do. Men engage in heavy and serious
discussions.
Ma: About football, cars and girls. That’s quite heavy and serious, huh?
JJ: Dad, do men talk heavy and serious about girls?
Pa: Never about girls! What your mum means is about se … I mean…… I mean
……….
Ma: I know what you mean.
Pa: I didn’t mean that!
Ma: But of course! What you mean is you gossip about sex with young girls…
Pa: Aaii! Mama Junior, the kid is here!
Ma: Like father, you will see.
Sound of car honking
———————-PAUSE ————————
Pa: Don’t you want to know what BabaRosa said about you?
Ma: Since when did he become your think-tank?
Pa: He doesn’t think for me. When I need to think, I am capable
Ma: Then when you want to insult me, do it direct, don’t hide behind BabaRosa
Pa: Actually, it wasn’t an insult but a compliment, after I told him what happened
at the dowry negotiations, he said you are …
Ma: He praises even wandering goats on streets
Pa: I didn’t know you hold such a low opinion of my best friend. I am glad he is
not here to hear that.
Ma: As if he would remember it the following day!
Pa: Oh he would have! He would have! He is not a university don for nothing
Ma: Sometimes I wonder what most of your friends graduated from university with,
alcohol guzzling.
Pa: Certainly not loss of memory> Baba Rosa has excellent memory.
Ma: So excellent! You bet it only failed him today of all the days. Very convenient.
Pa: He said he just couldn’t come to the dowry negotiations. Something
unavoidable cropped up. He has explained …
Ma: Convincingly I am sure. I bet he will make up his failure to you when you meet
later after dropping me and JJ at home.
Pa: Don’t be sarcastic. First you refuse to greet my best friend and now you dare
suggest I should not be meet him?
Ma: Best friend indeed! More like friend in drink.
Pa: Enough! I won’t sit by and listen to you insult Baba Rosa!
Ma: You have the option. Go join him in his car over there.
Pa: I said ENOUGH! And enough is enough!
Ma: Not until you give a satisfactory reason why why he didn’t escort us negotiate
the dowry. For heaven’s sake he WAS to be the chief negotiator! Did you demand
from him why he abandoned you at our hour of need. Did you!
Pa: I am fed up with this yap-yap about the dowry!
Ma: I am distraught!
Pa: I am disgusted!
Ma: I am flabbergasted!

———————-PAUSE ————————
Pa: Mama JJ why are we quarrelling about this when we can do something
about it?
Ma: Like what?
Pa: Wait and see. Hey, everyone snap on your belts, talk time is over. Time for
action!
Sound of car starting. Sound of car revving and moving off with screeching tyres
Ma: Hey look where we are going!
Pa: I am looking where I am going
Ma: You are driving in the wrong direction. We, at least me and Junior, are going
home.
Pa: You will, eventually. Don’t worry, you will.
JJ: Baba is going back where we came from!
Ma: Tell him Junior!
JJ: Baba, where are we going?
Pa: Home.
Ma: In case what you partook at the negotiation table is affecting your
orientation, home is behind us.
Pa: We are going back to your home
Ma: My home? If you are trying to be funny, you miss me by the mile. My home is
in the opposite direction from where you are going!
Pa: Are you serious?
Ma: Dead serious!
Pa: We are going back where we came from; to your home
Ma: My HOME? When my brothers ransom me for cows; my father is refusing to
give me my piece of the family land, even after he gives my younger brothers their
share as soon as they are married; and the pastor told me to go wherever you my
husband goes; what a conspiracy!
Pa: You are telling me. Just don’t blame me for it.
Ma: Why are we headed there anyway? Did you forget something?
Pa: Yes. I had almost forgotten that the principle of negotiations has two paths:
either you default on the agreement or renegotiate it.
Ma: I hope you are not thinking of defaulting on the dowry. Never! You agreed.
You will pay.
Pa: See? So the second option is the way to go. I have decided to go back and
renegotiate the dowry agreement.
Ma: At w-w-what? Ha ha haa! Stop the car! Stop this car!
Sound of emergency brakes being applied, screeching tyres
Car door opening and banged
High heels clattering until they fade away
JJ: Papa, why is Mama jumping out of the car laughing and crying at the same
time?
Pa: I think she is happy and sad.
JJ: Why did you make her happy and sad at the same time?
Pa: Not me
JJ: Who did?
Pa: I think it is the weather.
JJ: Does weather make people laugh and cry at the same time?
Pa: Yes …. I mean sometimes.
JJ: Has weather made you cry and laugh?
Pa: Not yet.
JJ: I want weather to make me cry and laugh like mama.
Pa: A little later. Right now I want you to wait here in the car, I go check on your
mother.
JJ Where has she gone?
Pa: She went into that hotel …. over there … do you see it?
JJ: Yes. She went to eat?
Pa: I don’t think so. I think she went to wash her face. Now you wait here.
JJ: Papa, I want to go with you to the hotel.
Pa: To do what?
JJ: To wash my face.
Pa: Your face is ok. You will wait here in the car.
JJ: Papa, I want to go with you in the hotel and eat.
Pa: No eating. We will eat at home
JJ: Why cant we go and eat at the hotel?
Pa: Because we are not hungry.
JJ: But I am hungry
BA: You are not
JJ: I am hungry
BA : We have just eaten at your grandmother
JJ: I am hungry
BA: Enough!

————————————– PAUSE:————————————–
JJ: Baba can I listen to the radio
BA: Ok dad let me switch it on for you
Sound of tuning on the radio after some moments, the tapping sound high
reds then car door opens and closes
BA: Are you ok darling?
NA: We are not going there
BA: Says who?
NA: I forbid it
BA: You can’t be serious
NA: I am serious
BA: But, But why?
NA: because they won’t renegotiate. It has never been heard of before.
BA: So what, there is always the first time. I want to go and give it a try anyway.

SCENE FOUR

JJ: What is that tule-tule-tule noise?
BA: Must be a flat wheel.
MA: Oh, the steering wheel is pulling to the left
Then it must be low pressure in the left front wheel, slow down ad drive into
that petrol station.
We are lucky it has happened near Wakamba tyre repair garage, otherwise we would
be in real trouble
MA: what kind of trouble
BA: This car has no spare wheel
MA: What happened to the spare wheel?
BA: Baba Rosa borrowed it yesterday
MA: What about the spare wheel for this car?
BA: It has burst and is unserviceable
MA: It is still a wheel. I don’t get it. You mean when baba Rosa’s Spare wheel bursts, you give
him ours so that he has six wheels
And we have four. Surely!