Author: jambo

By Chameleon

The day Mr. Barber got shaved

They were four of them. They usually move in quadrat or threesome. Maybe there is safety in numbers or just safety in consumption. You can tell that to anyone. 

Since it was Kaka, who was affected, let him tell his story first-hand; as from the horse’s own mouth. 

Kaka: I will always remember that Saturday. They were four of them, although I had invited MyOne. I didn’t complain to her. It is not always you land four fishes all dressed to kill. My house had never had the privilege of hosting such a quadrate guest list. I wished all the guys who usually hover around my residence on weekends to show up, salivate and share. I was in a sharing mood. That is the first thought that lept into my mind.

The introductions were as swift as the whiff of their perfumes. It didn’t matter because in a whiff they allocated themselves tasks around my one-bedroomed flat. MyOne and PackedOne retired to the kitchen to make breakfast. That left the three of us. She, I renamed HowBoring, because she kept complaining “how boring” about whatever was said or happening around us. Initially, I was full of empathy thinking it was my fault she found life so boring. But as the day wore on, I realised her statement was the trigger that got us moving from place to place. Then I too got bored with her. 

Tower of Babel in the city-in-the- sun

This happening of yonder years; when Stagecoach alias Kenya Bus was operating long chassis city service buses on the streets of Nairobi. Very comfortable during off-peak hours, extremely crowded during peak hours. Then conductors had to exercise six-pack muscle maneuvers through the crowded passengers when charging fare.

On this particular occasion, a large number of passengers boarded a Buruburu estate bound bus at Ambassaduer. As the bus departed the conductor started waving passengers to come to where he was in the front area: “Songa mbele, songeni mbele!”

The day my wife learned my weakness

Did you ever escort your woman (from the opposing team) to watch the Shemeji Derby at the Nairobi City Stadium? Here is about the Shemeji who was dared by his second wife.

There are two populous nations who live side by side in Western Kenya with a gerrymandering border of over 100km, where a cross-marriage happens every 4 hours; hence, the title: Mashemeji (Inlaws). They are Luos and Luhyias respectively.

However, when the sons and daughters of Luo and Luhyia congregate for 4 hours inside City or Nyayo stadiums in Nairobi, there is no iota of love expressed between them. Once inside the stadia, they sit on opposite sides, just like their teams.

When you don’t know the language of engagement

There was an era when Kenya was ah, famous as a sex-safari tourist destination. Some other countries in Far East and Caribbean shared the infamous distinction.

Ever heard of Wazungu (European) guys who landed in the country to “enjoy themselves” only to discover that despite their Playboy experiences, they were just virgins by African standard?

I will tell you about some…in a jiffy

The first lesson rural-to-urban migrants learn in Kenya is not to dwell in a room next to one occupied by a couple, separated by a thin cardboard or tin wall between them.

It is like attending a disorganized drumming contest concert with tower of babel poetry.

East African woo-men are ululators. Ululation usually accompanied by running around, jumping and waving wildly. When all this bottled up energy is rested on a 4×6 platform contained in a 10×10 feet room, it explodes a Hiroshima.