The day my wife learned my weakness

Did you ever escort your woman (from the opposing team) to watch the Shemeji Derby at the Nairobi City Stadium? Here is about the Shemeji who was dared by his second wife.

There are two populous nations who live side by side in Western Kenya with a gerrymandering border of over 100km, where a cross-marriage happens every 4 hours; hence, the title: Mashemeji (Inlaws). They are Luos and Luhyias respectively.

However, when the sons and daughters of Luo and Luhyia congregate for 4 hours inside City or Nyayo stadiums in Nairobi, there is no iota of love expressed between them. Once inside the stadia, they sit on opposite sides, just like their teams.

Our Shemeji who goes by the name of Kaka, brought his second wife to live with him in Nairobi. One weekend she insisted on accompanying him to watch a football match, where her brothers were to play against her brothers-in-law, alias her husband’s clansmen. 

To be on the safe side Kaka first laid down for her the stadia rules, whenever Shemeji derby matches are played.

However, once inside the stadium, with the match on; in the heat of the moment, she would forget the caution and jump up to cheer her brothers’ team moves. Visibly one figure springing up and ululating in a bench side of over 20,000 aggrieved cursing fans.

Shemeji fans have a lot of respect for women they win from their opposite nationals. Inside the stadia they show off such girlfriends to tout the others’ side supposedly “poor performance” where it matters, that is why their women cross the border to get real action, or so the tout goes.

But inside the City Stadium, the opposing fans’ language is delivered unforgivingly loud, explicit and aimed below the belt. It is not a platform to share with your green sister, leave alone your green wife (from rural settings).

One particular fan standing on the field’s perimeter fence was waving his arms towards the stand, shouting upwards: “toa hiyo…. (expletive) hapa, peleka huko!”

“Remove that …. (expletive) from here, take her to the other side!”

Finally it got to the green wife, she turned to her Kaka in shock: “is he referring to me, like that?”

Now, when your woman is insulted in broad daylight, a man feels obliged to do something about it, even when the guy insulting her looks beefy and uncouth.

There is a calibre of people who specialise in sneaking free entrees into venues. Be it football   matches, music performances or even nightclubs, you pay to enter, this fellow doesn’t pay but somehow is party to it. I will be keen to read the secrets of skipping book from one of them.

Inside the City Stadium the “Skippers” are ever busybodies: acting as cheer leaders when the morale is low; shouting instructions at players and curses at opposing players in equal measure; rushing into the field to quell fight breaks among players.

Also when push comes to shove, they assist police to maintain order in their respective sections. They are loved and hated, but respected by all: fans, team managers, coaches and players. Sometimes they are stone thrower’s barriers between fans and the playing field. During that are some fans would carry missiles in their pockets into the City Stadium, but they were strictly for exit strategy. Inside the stadium, no objects were ever thrown on the Shemeji Derby playing field, partly in precaution they may fall short and hurt the Skippers; who spend most of their time patrolling around the field’s perimeter fence.

As it happened, it was one of these Skippers who were hurling expletives at Kaka’s green wife.

The angry husband weaved his way amongst seated fans to the stadium floor and jabbed a finger at the huge man’s chest: “wachana na bibi yangu!”(leave my wife alone).

In reply, the Skipper floored him with one slap. When Kaka got up and tried to throw a roundhouse punch, he was sent horizontal on the grass again. Then he saw a huge boot rushing towards his face, he raised his hands and knees up, as the wife said later: 

Mende-style (Cockroach) and pleaded: “imetosha bwana”. 

What happened next is recorded in the annals of Nairobi City Stadium by witnesses as the most bizarre Playoff Derby between Shemejis. The second wife literally flew off the last two steps of the concrete bench into the Skipper’s chest sending them both crushing onto the ground next to her husband. She sat on his chest and had to be peeled off as she was mauling the fellow’s face into a rural plucked chicken.

The beauty with football is that no grudges are carried beyond the game’s last score.  In retrospect, this matter too would have rested there…. except one day, the husband, as Head of family lapsed into “disciplining his wife” and…

The tale continues… but should really end here, for the sake of man… kind!